Catch All

Sometimes my pain feels so overwhelming I’m sure I’m screaming for help. Surely anyone close to me can see how badly I’m hurting? I mean SURELY there is at least a gaping bloody hole in my chest.. but no one notices and it’s just me, and that horrible, terrifyingly familiar gut punching pain. I laid in my bedroom floor in utter darkness and sobbed for well….. awhile. I called my friends because like please someone, anyone…. Like ANYONE help. Of course no one answered as I laid curled into a fetal position sobbing asking god why? Why me? Why is my life so hard? Why does my sadness overtake me? Of course I don’t get an answer and spiral even further down a never ending path. Now as I sit on my couch, shoving a too expensive – door dashed quesadilla in my mouth I type out my first blog ever. Why am I typing a blog about how I just had a mental breakdown (over a teeny tiny easily fixable mistake) you ask? Because while I laid there snot threatening to run down my cheek i have never felt so fucking alone. Truly alone.. I could die and no one would even notice they haven’t heard from me alone. I thought to myself the answer to all my problems is to publicly publish what is essentially a journal entry on the off chance someone reads it and finally someone knows that it feels like the weight of this grief might actually crush me that I am indescribably lonely. I hope no one can relate to any of that but if you do, know that I see you. I hear you. I’m with you.